Sour Grapes w/Minion

Ladies and Gentlemen. The following column is rated 18+ and should not be viewed by anyone under that age thereof. Furthermore if the aforementioned read the following, actions cannot be taken for influence hindered by the thingamajig of the following column, i.e. if you’re underage then fuck off, this isn’t for your eyes.

Ok now that we’ve got the legal shit out of the way, Heyzzies! Minion the Imp here, reporting live from somewhere in Firesnatch’s laundry basket. Y’know, I haven’t been on TV much or hung around with The Cult so much since the Cultists deally, so these past few weeks I’ve spent my time wondering just what OSW needs………well it has everything, except a column for the managers, by the managers…and some female talent too because you know I gotta get ma jollies off somehow. In any case people like Ivan and Rhett and The Throwbacks are getting attention left right and center, but their managers get what? A mention and a few funny quotes? Well it’s time for a change! It’s time the manager’s had some praise! It’s time some-of us-got-Cruiserweight-title-shots but never mind that! The only way da Imp know how to go about this is just rant on the motherfuckers and well, as you read on you’ll get what I’m doing, but why? Fuck I don’t know I’m just writing this while the ladies’ showers are out of commission…damn whoever put arsenic in the vents.

Ok so let’s get to the whole managing gig. You see, when you read this you have to remind yourself what a manager is. A manager is a person or persons that will advise a person in the ways of their respective sport, such as Don King or Mr. Miyagi or………Don King. Y’see, somewhere along the line Managers, in wrestling, got taken for granted, a simple addition for character development. How many of OSW’s managers do you see giving their wrestlers advice on how to successfully implement a Death Valley Bomb? Or what the best technique is when it comes to submissions? Hell, look at Hessian then look at his move list. Do you think he learned all them by himself? IT TOOK 14 FUCKING ATTEMPTS BEFORE HE GOT THE BELLY TO BACK CROSSFACE CHICKENWING SUPLEX RIGHT!!!!!!!!! My back never hurt so much.

So Managers…are they implemented into the sport itself or just there to give people like Corg the inspiration for a bulging member, or to give Propaganda a hand in making choirboys pay for their sins? There is a Rating Key at the bottom of this Column to check on what each of the star ratings mean, so with that said…let’s examine: –


Christy Zeller:
Christy is a pretty little piece of snatch at 5’6", of course if you ain’t been jerking off to Reagan or some shit you’ll know she’s been tagging along behind ‘Angeldust’ Nick Casey. Now Casey comes off as one of those guys that can take a bump or two, but can deliver his own fair share. He’s got the moves, he has the know how, but Christy, talented as she may be, doesn’t come off as the type that’s in the know-how about this kinda thing. Casey, it seems, didn’t take much care in having a manager, so I’ll be damned if she does fuck all except flash the flatness to win Casey a match.
Imp Rating: **

ZaC the Monkey:
ZaC…is a monkey. A monkey is a manager? OK, so I have purple skin and I’m 3’11" but at least I know the fucking sport. What the hell is Reno thinking? Since when did Rabies and Fleas become the way to win a match? I mean seriously, all Impin’ aside, they may be good buddies or whatever the fuck, but if a Monkey is going to be classed as a Manager then you may as well throw the towel in right now because the name has been soiled worse than ZaC’s diaper. If he isn’t going to do anything on the technical side, ZaC’s only use is for good character development and emotional support for Reno.
Imp Rating: **

Shyme Orien:
Dude…first thing before I go on. If Corg reads this TELL YOUR BITCH TO SHAVE GODDAMNIT MOTHERFUCKER!!! Fuck me, talk about pubic Afro, there’s more forestry there than a Bushfire. Aimz knows what I mean, tee hee. Ok in any case, Shyme. Nice name, she has the look, but in Minion’s eyes the bitch knows about as much about Wrestling as she does about the YMCA. She’s fucking Corg, she’s the Talena of OSW, but until I sees me some shaven Goth yelling out Backbreakers and Neckbreakers and giving the ref some of that pale titty, she’s nothing more than a fuck-toy of the Cruiserweight Champion. OK, so she is good enough to beat the shit out of someone at her man’s expense, but please, she must shave that, whatever it is off before any legitimate comment can be passed!
Imp Rating: ***

Noreen Gorfenheimer:
I’m gonna tread lightly here…for obvious reasons Vaxination! Vaxination! Vaxination! By the way I’d like to take the time out, as the official Imp of the OSW, to say that the Vaxination rules and Novak didn’t deserve it but if you gotta do it to someone don’t do it to me…so yeah, Noreen. Erm…shit I ain’t saying anything, it’s too easy, and the last thing I want is THAT face staring back at me while the Vax crush me under some chairs. Ok so from a Wrestling aspect, I can’t see Noreen actually bothering with the sport, meanwhile you KNOW the ref don’t want none of that up in his face distracting him while PHD is pinching’ some Sucka. In all likelihood, from the look of her, she only wants Dorkiman for his…erm…Warhammer? Shit I dunno I’m just gonna rate her…
Imp Rating: ** and a ½

Niki Weathers:
She’s purdy, hyuk! Ok so the bitch has perky tits, but goddamn if I was gonna pull a Corg on someone it would be her. Anyone that’s affiliated with The Throwbacks can suck these Sour Grapes. She’s blonde but she knows the business well and I guess from a Wrestler’s standpoint if you’re going to have anyone as a manager she should be among the picks. In all other cases…I hope she gets her fucking spine ripped out and smacked across her face before she hits the floor. The Cult vs. The Throwbacks is going to go some way here folks, mark this Imp’s words…and if it comes to it, Minion vs. Niki is all up in dat motherfucker! She’s a good manager, but she can go to hell for all I care, because god only knows the rest of them are…
Imp Rating: ******

Caridad Mariposa
Now here’s a wrestler. If Lillith or Aimz ever run out of competition look this way, because the lady knows a thing or two! Jesus St. Crux is lucky to have her, and like Niki Weathers she knows the sport, but can also wrestle good too. On a physical note, if Jaden ever has her lips ripped off and used to kiss someone’s ass, she can always look to Caridad for a transplant! A good wrestler from the Indy days, she should look into competing some time.
Imp Rating: ***** and a ½

Maria Muhling:
Michel Krieg disappoints me. First off he employs this guy BIGGER than him to be his manager, then drops him for his own mother…who I woulda fucked hadn’t she left our screens…and now he brings in this unknown. From that "Coming Soon" picture in her bio I’m not looking forward to the unveiling, but until then I’m going to by on what I’ve heard around the place and say she could be a threat when she comes in, too bad I can’t say the same for Krieg, Bones and Kory Storm………Ok I’m playin’. Ha! Krieg can suck on Deez Grapes too. HEAD ON COLLISION BABY!!!
Imp Rating: ****

Daisy:
One word says it all it seems. Riptah got himself a Ally McBeal wannabe right here. In the past I’d have said Daisy is useful for something…but then I remember he rafters incident *See Hessian/Westsidaz "Culmination" In-Cards*. Daisy has accompanied Da Westsidaz for as long as long can be, and well…you just have to look at their record to know they’re doing something right, but how much of it can be credited to Daisy? Well she’s a cheating bitch. So there. Nice pair on her though, I’ll give her that. She’s one to watch lads so don’t let the looks fool ya, she’ll turn around and KICKWHAMBACKHAND~! Ya before you know what’s going on. Beware.
Imp Rating: ***

Barbara Bush-Kriegman:
Again, I’ll tread lightly…wait…did I the last time? Ah well. I can’t really say a bad word about this little piece of work. She’s smart, she’s good looking and she’s got the moves in more ways than one. How much of a wrestler is she? Not really I’d say, but from her records I’d say she’s a quick learner, but Kriegman and her are a couple so the emotional support is there. She reminds me of that smart-ass woman from Six Feet Under. You know. Nate’s fuck-puppet…ah well it’s just the looks anyway. She’s a good manager to have. Great support, in more ways than one, heh.
Imp Rating: ******** and a ½

Amanda:
Kid Wonder’s missus. She has the look, albeit a more-manly-than-Mr.-Spinks-himself one, but still. We all know she can wrestle, you saw the Queen of Extreme Tournament, but as for managerial support she’s a strong force and without her, the Kid would be kinda awry I’m guessing. She’s wrestled, therefore she has the know-how, and you know when she’s at ringside something interesting is going to happen. The Intergender tag scene will never run dry as long as there’s an Amanda in sight…
Imp Rating: ******* and a ½

Eric Sagar:
Fucker. Fucking Christian motherfucker. Paedophile of the house of god! Ok so all personal feelings aside the man is a godsend to the managerial scene. From a professional standpoint this is one key player in the life of Propaganda. They share the same interests, and Sagar is excellent on the radio *cough*. So yeah, Sagar, if you need someone for motivation, he’s your man…well, you’ll need to find someone else after Vampir crucifies the biatch. Then again Caleb did once piss on his bible so it’s all peachy.
Imp Rating: *******

Pablo Rucha:
To be honest the only time I encountered him was…never. That one time backstage with El Drago will live on in history as the funniest moment in my life…so far.
El Drago and Stanislav are looking great with one brutal match behind them already. Rucha is a translator at heart, but really he’s a smart bastard. I don’t know much else about him except he’s got the smarts, and psychologically the man is a devil. El Drago will go far, with Rucha tagging along for the journey.
Imp Rating: *****

Two Round-Faced Women:
Some scary bitches right here. At first I just thought they were a couple of announcer chicks, but upon reading up and checking some videotapes…be afraid…be very afraid. Communism never looked so innocently evil. They’re lackeys with a difference, and not the main influence in Ivan Stanislav’s life…anymore. A Women’s Division wouldn’t be complete without them…if they ever wrestled full time.
Imp Rating: *****

Major Wang:
What a name. Major Wang. Major Wang is an asset behind the scenes, but when it comes to confrontation, he’s a complete pussy. He’s a good guy to have on your side, but not unless you have the Two Round-Faced Women on your side too…
Imp Rating: *****

Alexei Ruslan:
How fitting he is last…because he is one of the, if not the best manager…next to me. Seriously though, Alexei Ruslan and Ivan Stanislav go together like Tom and Jerry, Aimz and Cock, Eric Sagar and Choirboys. Alexei is the pinnacle of the Manager. He has the knowledge, he can fight, he’s devious and he’s tactful. Alexei Ruslan is not just A manager he is THE manager. NO wrestling match containing Ivan can be without Alexei, as a former joint PCW World Champion the man is the prime of his kind. Whether it’s forming a plan to capture a win, or using the most devious of tactics to win or take someone out, Alexei Ruslan is the definition of the word Manager, and without him, Ivan would…well…I don’t know really, be reduced to only half the man he is? Mentally, Ivan is already as screwed as Aimz at an OSW PPV, but that was in love, whereas Alexei is a true part of Ivan. Basically, Ruslan is the shiznit, and the best of breed. Hats off to the man…though he too can suck on ma Grapes.
Imp Rating: **********


Well there you have it. Minion the Imp, your Imp, the People’s Imp, has told it like it is, without fear of anything…except maybe a Vaxination. I will of course be back to rant on other aspects of OSW; such as the Female Talent and the Tag Division, and maybe The Vax but until that time I leave you with some thoughts. First off, overall I’d give my opinion on who the best manager is…but then I just realised I’ve written a shitload explaining that very thing. Case in point, whatever that means, I’m gonna head now, I think the arsenic’s been cleared out of the vent. Oh and if you’re wondering why this is an 18+ column…You can go fuck your fucking fat bastard maw in her big rotten cunt with a dead baby spiked on a crucifix…na I’m just playin’ again. Anyway, time to head, so until next time folks…Don’t Keep A Purple Brutha Down, Holla Back!

Minion the Imp





Imp Rating Key

* = Manager knows fuck all about wrestling, just smiles for the cameras and leeches off of Wrestler’s glory. Simply there for character development.

** = Manager knows they’re managing a wrestler, but still knows fuck all about the sport and uses their body in a non-wrestley way to their Wrestler’s advantage in a match. Manager may also be used for emotional support.

*** = Manager knows the sport vaguely, and will resort to use of body "language" and blatant cheating to pick up a win for their Wrestler. Manager may also know the sport and teach their wrestler, but still resorts to the aforementioned tactics.

**** = Manager knows the ins and outs of the sport, and depending on their status will either help their Wrestler deviously, or use their know-how to help a wrestler.

***** = Average Manager. They know the sport well, and depending on the status, know how to cheat without failure or help their Wrestler/accompany them/be used for character development.

****** = Manager has led Wrestler to some good wins. 6 Stars mean the Manager can be almost as popular as the Wrestler. Manager can either cheat successfully or instruct Wrestler to a good win.

******* = Manager has attained Championship gold for Wrestler via Managerial skills and character development. Manager is also heavily marked out for and well recognised.

******** = Manager is successful and knowledgeable in Wrestling and has helped to achieve their Wrestler high status in the company. Either that or they’re a fucking big cheater who’s a hit with the evil people, or "Heels."

********* = Manager is near perfect, their Wrestler having a good record and great popularity. Manager makes appearances elsewhere and is on about the same level as their Wrestler, i.e. a fucking good manager.

********** = Perfect 10 means Manager knows the ins and outs, the ups and downs and the lefts and rights of Wrestling, and has helped bring their Wrestler to Championship Status. Can either cheat perfectly in a variety of ways or use their knowledge of the sport to their Wrestler’s advantage. Manager may also be included in match-ups or make appearances elsewhere. Basically a Perfect Manager.

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