State of the Union

Fellow OSW'ers:

I'd like to begin my inaugural State of the Union Address by thanking the lovely Ms. Jane Reagan for all the zero's and commas included in the most important section my newly signed contract. They alone give me the incentive to make the following statement and promise to her with respect to my tenure as OSW President. I read to you this...

"Jane, I'm sorry to have been away for so long, and I promise I'll never do it again. This is a personal guarantee from me to you that I will honor and respect my charge as President, which for the record is to ensure the long-term future and stability of OSW as a viable entity, and to additionally state that OSW as an institution will be safe from harm by all and sundry from hereon in."

Now, with the formalities out of the way, its down to business! My contract gives me full authority to whip OSW back into shape, by whatever means necessary. I am answerable to nobody, indeed, the buck stops here. In order to carry out this task, I have started the process of consulting with a number of individuals and companies involved in OSW in various capacities, ranging from the lowliest member of the ring crew to the to the broadcast announcers, from the caterers to the on-air talent, hell I've even got bookings with the official representatives of our valuable sponsors, with the view to strengthening and enhancing our business relationship with them to mutually benefit both of our companies.

I believe they call what I am in the process of doing is in laymans terms "a fact finding mission". I intend to find out every piece of information available in order to be able to expunge from OSW all inefficiency, waste and most importantly of all, corruption. All divisions, operating procedures and anything else I can find will be examined to within an inch of its life. In doing so, OSW will eventually be run like a well-oiled machine - it will be profitable to its owners and investors, and most importantly of all, be entertaining to our viewers. Anything or anyone that is found to be detrimental to the operational and financial success of OSW will be made to shape up or be unceremoniously shipped out!

Speaking of corruption in the ranks, Ms. Reagan kindly prepared a detailed information pack for me on what she perceives to be the current problem areas that above all else need my immediate attention in OSW. I have gratefully accepted this pack as a starting position for my task. Precipitating the events that occurred in the final few seconds of Slam, the folder at the top of the pile was a thick one indeed, and it was labelled with..... "Think Tank".

This address is intended merely an introduction to myself, my presence and my purpose here in OSW, but it should be taken by members of this... Think Tank... to be a warning. You wannabe power mongers are officially on notice that I am on your case first up. I am well versed with the careers of you all, and to demonstrate this fact, I can share the following highlights of your respective careers off the top of my head with OSW's general audience, without even consulting Ms Reagan's information pack:

PHD - Professor Herbert D. Dorkimann. "Friend" to the pimply-faced Noreen Gorfenheimer... His most notable claims to fame are his footage, which shows from 37 different angles, him defeating fellow Think Tanker Howard Porter in their only singles meeting thus far, with Porter taking a still standing record 37 shooting star presses before going down to PHD via a DVD from the top rope. From there he moved on to be President of PCW, where his most notable action was comprehensively restraining Meanstreak in a net prior to announcing the tournament to crown the first PCW Champion. While serving as PCW President, PHD is also known for becoming ally to none other than Jon Kano, then for holding the record for being the longest ever kidnap victim, held captive by Kano and surviving a mammoth 10 months hogtied and gagged in a steel shed somewhere deep within the Arizona desert. PHD is also being fast forgotten for his "talent enhancement" stint as a member of one of the teams in this year's fWo Survivor.

Alan Kriegman - The "Evil Super Genius". I'm considering looking into it as to whether Mr. Kriegman is actually one of Twisted Metal having been reprogrammed to look and act like Kriegman, as last time I saw him he was in Pleasantville, staring upwards and praying to the devil for entry into hell, which is where all good little evil super geniuses go when they die. By rights, Mr. Kriegman should not be strutting his stuff in OSW, but should instead be bending his physical and intellectual efforts to pushing up weeds in some dry and dusty corner of his grieving wife's garden. Its common knowledge that at many points during his career Mr. Kriegman has exhibited somewhat of an "anti-Midas touch". For example, he lost his PCW Continental Title to Jon Kano and his PCW Heavyweight Title to Stryfe. Then, during his "oh so brief" stint as PCW President (replacing the missing PHD), the mere act of him showing his face in Fedwars and indulging in contract politics started the domino effect which caused the place to disintigrate and die within a matter of weeks, but that was only after he'd actively slaughtered both his and PCW's reputation there by losing a critical interfed matchup along with Dillan Myers as PCW's so-called Greatest Tag Team, Goovil.

"The Scholar" Howard Porter. I sometimes wake up screaming at the memory of passing out while being locked in his hold - the Stroke of Genius. However, that one small psychological victory that Porter currently has over me however doesn't go nearly far enough to making up for the disaster he has made of his own career. Porter has been riding the coat-tails of his early achievements, but some of us always knew that he was just another hack. His career started magnificently as he earned himself the monicer of "the future face of UFW" by working his way up from longest serving Rising Star champion to last ever US Champion. Sadly, the UFW world title reign that he was destined to have never eventuated, as UFW crumbled during his run toward the top. Porter then jumped to MWF, quickly won the word title there, but alas MWF also crumbled while Porter was coasting along at the top. Unable to see the pattern forming, Porter went to PCW and took up residency as Commissioner there. Incidentally, all OSW staff and fans should start praying now for Porter's run as Commissioner here to be better than it was there, as PCW nearly didn't make it past his mishandling of the position. Porter was repeatedly given the ball and repeatedly dropped it, perhaps even following in the footsteps of one Johnny Raindance. Porter's PCW career wound up with him being used as "talent enhancement" in retirement matches. He always told us he was capable of better. Fortunately I'm here now and can see through his facade, and will take the necessary steps to prevent him from infecting OSW any further than he already has.

In closing, I will do what it takes to fulfill my mandate here. Think Tank may be first on my list, but I will be examining the contribution made by everyone, ranging from the Heavyweight Champ to the OSW wannabe's competing for a spot in the MET tournament. If you are worth your salt, if you can turn a crowd, if you have something to offer, then you have absolutely nothing to fear. If you want to bring OSW down around you, then you will answer to me soon enough!

Yours sincerely
The President

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